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Author Topic: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)  (Read 1362 times)

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Offline gamr13

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Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« on: May 16, 2015, 05:30:33 AM »
Hey guys, Gamr13 here, the Forum n00b, call me what you will  ;) when I joined here I did say in my first post I was working on a story in which Chapter 1 would be revealed to you all, so, without further ado, here it is https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11251637/1/Klonoa-s-Travels-new This is my experiment, I'm not used to doing non play-write stories, so, with this in mind, please do give me feedback, preferably constructive criticism that way I know how to improve and what on, some of it may drag on for you, but tell me what your opinion is on it.  :D

I won't dish these chapters out weekly, purely just so I can make good content for you all  :embarassed: but it may/may not be worth it, when we're about 20 chapters in I'd like to gather a team of voice actors for a YouTube series based on this, we wouldn't have an animated series, unless any animators out there actually want to animate this. Anyways, thanks guys/gals, enjoy! ^-^  ;D
Gamr13

Offline Dish

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Re: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2015, 09:12:25 AM »
Hey guys, Gamr13 here, the Forum n00b, call me what you will  ;) when I joined here I did say in my first post I was working on a story in which Chapter 1 would be revealed to you all, so, without further ado, here it is https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11251637/1/Klonoa-s-Travels-new This is my experiment, I'm not used to doing non play-write stories, so, with this in mind, please do give me feedback, preferably constructive criticism that way I know how to improve and what on, some of it may drag on for you, but tell me what your opinion is on it.  :D

I won't dish these chapters out weekly, purely just so I can make good content for you all  :embarassed: but it may/may not be worth it, when we're about 20 chapters in I'd like to gather a team of voice actors for a YouTube series based on this, we wouldn't have an animated series, unless any animators out there actually want to animate this. Anyways, thanks guys/gals, enjoy! ^-^  ;D

wait...








just kiddin  ;)



i can't wait for the rest!

Offline Voka~Daemyn

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Re: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2015, 09:56:28 AM »
Eh. I'm bad to ask opinions due to pickiness.
Maybe throw some more dream related stuff in it xD?

Offline Randomizer

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Re: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2015, 12:26:44 PM »
Eh. I'm bad to ask opinions due to pickiness.
Maybe throw some more dream related stuff in it xD?

Read it and yep, I agree that there should be at least some dream-related stuff.  :)

Nevertheless, loved it.  ;D


Offline gamr13

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Re: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2015, 05:38:34 PM »
Eh. I'm bad to ask opinions due to pickiness.
Maybe throw some more dream related stuff in it xD?

Noted ;P Don't you worry, what the future holds there will be a LOT of dream-related things, just not in the first few chapters ^-^
Gamr13

Offline BinaryPulsar

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Re: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2015, 02:46:01 AM »
I think it's got potential

I'm guessing it's AU, since they can go to Phantomile with a plane

There are a few things though
You should add more detail. describe where they are, what's the setting like, what's going on around them, and most importantly, describe what people look like. I had a hard time visualizing Toby cause i had no idea of what he looks like, and explain more about him. his backstory, his relation to Klonoa, how he helps the plot progress. Go in to a little more detail about things, like what game was Klonoa playing on the SNES, ect ect.
Also, i feel as though things happened too fast. slow down and explain more about each situation, expand on everything, make it last longer, otherwise it feels rushed. a good, simple criteria to follow is the 5 senses rule. in each situation, describe how the characters react to it with each sense. for example:

"Klonoa huffed and panted heavily, his body shaking as the intense battle continued. He felt the rush of his enemy pass by, catching whiffs of it's rotting stench.
Suddenly, the monster reared it head and let out a bloodcurdling screech, rendering Klonoa useless for a few moments as his sensitive ears fought painfully to free themselves from the horrid sound.
Clenching his teeth, he spat as he tasted the bitter, metallic flavor of his blood as some leaked into his mouth from his previous head wound.
Getting into a fighting stance one more, Klonoa scanned the surroundings, desperately looking for anything that could give him the upper hand.
Picking up a faint noise from his ring, he could tell Lolo was getting tired too.
He had to end this
Now
Mustering up all his remaining strength, he pulled out his wind sword and dashed toward his enemy. Every muscle ached and pleaded to stop, but Klonoa knew if he didn't make this last shot, it would all be over.
Jumping to the side as the beast spat burning acid at him, Klonoa lunged at it, swinging with everything he had as he swiftly dug his sword into the monsters chest, striking it's heart.
The beast screeched and howled in pain as it bolted around the room, until finally, it collapsed in a pool of it's own blood.
Relieved that the fight was finally over, Klonoa flopped onto his back on the cold, wooden floor.
His ring glowed, and a blue light shot out, as a figure emerged.
Lolo, also exhausted, sat down beside Klonoa, panting.
Looking at each other, they smiled, as they knew if it was not for the other, they would never have survived"

There, i just whipped that up right now.
Just a little example of how including the 5 senses can help in both visualizing, and connecting with what's going on in a story. To a reader, they don't actually know you're including the 5 senses, but they're there. and even though they may not know it, it subconsciously helps the reader connect with the story and characters better, knowing that they're feeling actual things that the reader may have also felt themselves, allowing them to have a better understanding of the story itself and help to raise the level of immersion into the plot and characters.
I'm no professional writer, it's just a little skill i picked up over the years, and i hope it helps you as much as it's helped me  :)
 

all in all though i rather enjoyed this chapter. i know how hard it can be to write a story, i have 8 in progress right now that im having trouble keeping up with. anyway i faved it and im following it too i can't wait for the next chapter, good work and good luck!  ;D

Offline gamr13

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Re: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2015, 12:52:48 PM »
I think it's got potential

I'm guessing it's AU, since they can go to Phantomile with a plane

There are a few things though
You should add more detail. describe where they are, what's the setting like, what's going on around them, and most importantly, describe what people look like. I had a hard time visualizing Toby cause i had no idea of what he looks like, and explain more about him. his backstory, his relation to Klonoa, how he helps the plot progress. Go in to a little more detail about things, like what game was Klonoa playing on the SNES, ect ect.
Also, i feel as though things happened too fast. slow down and explain more about each situation, expand on everything, make it last longer, otherwise it feels rushed. a good, simple criteria to follow is the 5 senses rule. in each situation, describe how the characters react to it with each sense. for example:

"Klonoa huffed and panted heavily, his body shaking as the intense battle continued. He felt the rush of his enemy pass by, catching whiffs of it's rotting stench.
Suddenly, the monster reared it head and let out a bloodcurdling screech, rendering Klonoa useless for a few moments as his sensitive ears fought painfully to free themselves from the horrid sound.
Clenching his teeth, he spat as he tasted the bitter, metallic flavor of his blood as some leaked into his mouth from his previous head wound.
Getting into a fighting stance one more, Klonoa scanned the surroundings, desperately looking for anything that could give him the upper hand.
Picking up a faint noise from his ring, he could tell Lolo was getting tired too.
He had to end this
Now
Mustering up all his remaining strength, he pulled out his wind sword and dashed toward his enemy. Every muscle ached and pleaded to stop, but Klonoa knew if he didn't make this last shot, it would all be over.
Jumping to the side as the beast spat burning acid at him, Klonoa lunged at it, swinging with everything he had as he swiftly dug his sword into the monsters chest, striking it's heart.
The beast screeched and howled in pain as it bolted around the room, until finally, it collapsed in a pool of it's own blood.
Relieved that the fight was finally over, Klonoa flopped onto his back on the cold, wooden floor.
His ring glowed, and a blue light shot out, as a figure emerged.
Lolo, also exhausted, sat down beside Klonoa, panting.
Looking at each other, they smiled, as they knew if it was not for the other, they would never have survived"

There, i just whipped that up right now.
Just a little example of how including the 5 senses can help in both visualizing, and connecting with what's going on in a story. To a reader, they don't actually know you're including the 5 senses, but they're there. and even though they may not know it, it subconsciously helps the reader connect with the story and characters better, knowing that they're feeling actual things that the reader may have also felt themselves, allowing them to have a better understanding of the story itself and help to raise the level of immersion into the plot and characters.
I'm no professional writer, it's just a little skill i picked up over the years, and i hope it helps you as much as it's helped me  :)
 

all in all though i rather enjoyed this chapter. i know how hard it can be to write a story, i have 8 in progress right now that im having trouble keeping up with. anyway i faved it and im following it too i can't wait for the next chapter, good work and good luck!  ;D

Now this..This I LOVE to see, and y'know what, I'm going to take that chapter down, re-edit it and re-post, I knew it felt a bit too rushed, as for not mentioning the SNES game, I'd rather not, I know (from some experience) that people sometimes b!tch about the game that I so choose for said console, so I tend not to name any game for them. As for the battle scene, I didn't want it drastically extended, but yeah, I'll edit that bit in, and y'know what? You earned a spot in the credits for the first chapter ;) Thanks! -Gamr13
Gamr13

Offline BinaryPulsar

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Re: Klonoa's Travels (Temp name)
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2015, 01:41:52 PM »
I think it's got potential

I'm guessing it's AU, since they can go to Phantomile with a plane

There are a few things though
You should add more detail. describe where they are, what's the setting like, what's going on around them, and most importantly, describe what people look like. I had a hard time visualizing Toby cause i had no idea of what he looks like, and explain more about him. his backstory, his relation to Klonoa, how he helps the plot progress. Go in to a little more detail about things, like what game was Klonoa playing on the SNES, ect ect.
Also, i feel as though things happened too fast. slow down and explain more about each situation, expand on everything, make it last longer, otherwise it feels rushed. a good, simple criteria to follow is the 5 senses rule. in each situation, describe how the characters react to it with each sense. for example:

"Klonoa huffed and panted heavily, his body shaking as the intense battle continued. He felt the rush of his enemy pass by, catching whiffs of it's rotting stench.
Suddenly, the monster reared it head and let out a bloodcurdling screech, rendering Klonoa useless for a few moments as his sensitive ears fought painfully to free themselves from the horrid sound.
Clenching his teeth, he spat as he tasted the bitter, metallic flavor of his blood as some leaked into his mouth from his previous head wound.
Getting into a fighting stance one more, Klonoa scanned the surroundings, desperately looking for anything that could give him the upper hand.
Picking up a faint noise from his ring, he could tell Lolo was getting tired too.
He had to end this
Now
Mustering up all his remaining strength, he pulled out his wind sword and dashed toward his enemy. Every muscle ached and pleaded to stop, but Klonoa knew if he didn't make this last shot, it would all be over.
Jumping to the side as the beast spat burning acid at him, Klonoa lunged at it, swinging with everything he had as he swiftly dug his sword into the monsters chest, striking it's heart.
The beast screeched and howled in pain as it bolted around the room, until finally, it collapsed in a pool of it's own blood.
Relieved that the fight was finally over, Klonoa flopped onto his back on the cold, wooden floor.
His ring glowed, and a blue light shot out, as a figure emerged.
Lolo, also exhausted, sat down beside Klonoa, panting.
Looking at each other, they smiled, as they knew if it was not for the other, they would never have survived"

There, i just whipped that up right now.
Just a little example of how including the 5 senses can help in both visualizing, and connecting with what's going on in a story. To a reader, they don't actually know you're including the 5 senses, but they're there. and even though they may not know it, it subconsciously helps the reader connect with the story and characters better, knowing that they're feeling actual things that the reader may have also felt themselves, allowing them to have a better understanding of the story itself and help to raise the level of immersion into the plot and characters.
I'm no professional writer, it's just a little skill i picked up over the years, and i hope it helps you as much as it's helped me  :)
 

all in all though i rather enjoyed this chapter. i know how hard it can be to write a story, i have 8 in progress right now that im having trouble keeping up with. anyway i faved it and im following it too i can't wait for the next chapter, good work and good luck!  ;D

Now this..This I LOVE to see, and y'know what, I'm going to take that chapter down, re-edit it and re-post, I knew it felt a bit too rushed, as for not mentioning the SNES game, I'd rather not, I know (from some experience) that people sometimes b!tch about the game that I so choose for said console, so I tend not to name any game for them. As for the battle scene, I didn't want it drastically extended, but yeah, I'll edit that bit in, and y'know what? You earned a spot in the credits for the first chapter ;) Thanks! -Gamr13

Im glad i could help!
Yeah i know what you mean, people often get upset when something isn't how they want it, even though the person that made it had no idea. But when that happens i just remind myself "this is my story, im the author, i have the right to put in whatever i want. If they don't like that, that's their problem and now mine. If they excpect me to make everything the way they want, then they're greedy and can't accept a work of art when they see one"
After all, if they want something to be exactly the way they want it, then they can write their own story.
So, for example, of you put
"Klonoa was playing Rock 'N Roll Racing"
And someone said
"that game sucks he should have been playing A Link to the Past, or Megaman X"
Then i would say
"good idea, why don't you put that in your own story then? I like this game and im sticking with it, don't like don't read"
Easy.
I know it's hard defending yourself sometimes, but just remember, you have your own right of opinion and nothing anyone says can change that.

As for being in the credits, sure, im glad i can help with anything.
If you ever need something feel free to ask, i'll happily listen   ;)