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Author Topic: Forgive me, Lolo  (Read 601 times)

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Offline Mario123311

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Forgive me, Lolo
« on: February 21, 2017, 10:20:55 AM »
"Klonoa returns to Lunatea only to find out he was far too late."

Wrote this about a week ago... Not very proud of it but it was a scenario I wanted to see put into action. Moreso made because of how harsher in hindsight Klonoa 2's ending got for me due to...Yeah. Not meant to be disrespectful to any of those who knew Tomoko personally and more of a fic in memory and just how Klonoa would feel if anything. (Let alone voice roles usually tend to be very hard to replace at all but I talked about that somewhere else here) This was the type of event where I couldn't help but feel in-character as him thinking of the situation.

This writing probably sucks though, obviously... but I never intended it to be too long. I'm accepting of criticisms of course so feel free to leave them. It's hard to explain what other residents would be around in Lunatea for some reason. Vent Fic? I don't know... Maybe? I was feeling sad inside because of thinking about Klonoa 2 if anything. No it wasn't drastically effecting me of anything like that but I just felt sort of... bad inside even before writing it because I just kept thinking about how Klonoa would feel, How he'd still be thinking about it to these days. I'm debating on deleting this though...

Probably should make a thread for all of my writings.

Offline Mobotropolis

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Re: Forgive me, Lolo
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2017, 08:58:40 PM »
I read this a few days ago and was surprised that you didn't post it here.

This is the best thing I've read from you.

I don't quite agree with that critical review. If not for the last line of your posted story (or, well, from knowing you here) I wouldn't have guessed that this was a tribute to her voice actress. The scenario in-universe seems plausible. The cause of death seems reasonable. Klonoa's reaction understandable.

There are some minor nitpicks (flirt = flurry of?) and awkwardness (Klonoa picked a weird time to realize he was crushing on Lolo?) but I wouldn't say that it should be deleted. Maybe flesh it out a bit more instead?

Offline Mario123311

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Re: Forgive me, Lolo
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2017, 03:11:35 PM »
I read this a few days ago and was surprised that you didn't post it here.

This is the best thing I've read from you.

I don't quite agree with that critical review. If not for the last line of your posted story (or, well, from knowing you here) I wouldn't have guessed that this was a tribute to her voice actress. The scenario in-universe seems plausible. The cause of death seems reasonable. Klonoa's reaction understandable.

There are some minor nitpicks (flirt = flurry of?) and awkwardness (Klonoa picked a weird time to realize he was crushing on Lolo?) but I wouldn't say that it should be deleted. Maybe flesh it out a bit more instead?
Yeah... Just realized "flirt of". It was a typo from my phone I believe.
((Gotta fix that))

Offline A Mira-Miran

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Re: Forgive me, Lolo
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2017, 10:50:48 AM »
Very nice. I can agree that it could be fleshed out a bit more, (like, perhaps some input on some other characters like Popka or Leorina) but the core idea is solid.