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Author Topic: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland  (Read 14849 times)

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Offline Balneor

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #80 on: July 20, 2017, 06:11:55 AM »
Now reading through Vision 1-4.

I'll start off with something so minor, it could be percieved as terribly offending.
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...But well, this sentence misses a space in-between "thatLilyacoo". For understandable reasons, this is fixed on the fanfiction site's version of the story.

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This time, i'ts a suggestion, to use the word "pity" instead of "guilty". Now this would require to modify the sentence a little for it to be grammatically correct.
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If I suggest that, is because I rode a book not too long ago (Namely "L'Odyssée" d'Homère, you will understand this instantly), and in it gods tend to have pity over mortals including Ulysse, who has a unbelievably tragic story. On the book he is quite heavily helped by them. A bit similar to what's happening here with Lunshyr, who was revived by the Light spirit out of guilt.
I also have a problem with the usage of "guilt". If the Light spirit really felt "guilty" at Lunshyr, why not about the soldiers following her? Why not resurrect them? Was she more important?
Finally, if we take the definition of "guilty" (Via the obvious truth-teller, that is Reverso) "being responsible of a offence/misdeed". What is she responsible for, especially to Lunshyr and her army?
You're not supposed to respond to those questions, they do simply behaves as reflexions points.

There's more to it I believe (Definition of "pity", how it would make sense in the story), and I wish you to think, and make the final choice.

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Another minor thing :
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Now this time, the fanfiction site's version is touched as well.

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Another minor thing² :
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"contempate" misses a letter. Same problem with the fanfiction version.

Anyways, this chapter is a nice exploitation of the past of Phamtomile.

Offline Balneor

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #81 on: July 21, 2017, 04:45:35 PM »
Reading through Vision 2-1 :

Another minor problem :
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This one isn't in the fanfiction site's version.[/quote]

I am actually reading from this place, not the other site.

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This sentence misses a word, that the other site contains : "managed"
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Another word is missing, "of".
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On the other site as well !

Offline Tortwag

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #82 on: July 22, 2017, 09:51:51 AM »
@Balneor Ah, that treatment. *chuckle* now I remember why I like traveling.
Aight, since the nitpicks are only that, I'll just correct them as I go and focus on the suggestions. Thanks again for the effort.

I'm keeping guilty and not pity, first because "felt really pity about Lunshyr" doesn't work, and second because although I am talking about god-like entities, the way the Klonoa series deals with that kind of entities and their personas is radically different from Homer's Odyssey. The type of dialogue, the type of entity and their behavior/relationships with mortals isn't handled the same way, for the simple reason that Klonoa has a child-like wondrous feel to its dialogue that Homer does not possess - which is normal, since these two universes aren't trying to appeal to the same type of audience. The gods in Greek Mythologies are figures of higher authority, wrathful, sometimes egoistical and very much flawled. The ones in a universe like Klonoa are essentially friendly protectors.
So yeah, I'm keeping guilty.

I do realize that I'm not supposed to answer to your string of thoughts there, but I'm gonna do that anyway, because I might as well express mine.
First off, you could ask the exact same questions for Odysseus (yes, that's Ulysse's English name, the more you know): why did the gods of the Greek Mythology focus on him and graced him instead of the rest of his crew? Short answer is: because he has qualities they don't possess. Lunshyr's case is essentially that - she was the one who came up with her idea where nobody else really wanted to believe in it before her death; she was the one who started training everyone to make sure her protective wish could happen; and she was the one who organized the last stand necessary to try and save the Light Spirit from Ghadius. She's getting special treatment because she did more, and her punishment from Ghadius was far worse.

The problem here is that you're looking too deep into something that is not to be looked as deeply as, say, Homer's Odyssey, or anything you've read of that caliber. Please keep in mind that although I am putting in several more mature ideas hidden in the dialogue here and there, this is still Klonoa, so a fairy tale world in its essence. You shouldn't read a fairy tale the same way you should read a mythological epic. The needs, the details or lack of details, the challenges and character developments, are radically different.


Once again, if you have anything else to comment on aside nitpicks and the flashback - which I'm glad to know you found interesting - I'm all ears, because it helps more than you'd think. Grammar can always be fixed, but overall impressions, what sounds right and what sounds wrong to readers, the way they perceive characters, how they like them/hate them and why, is way more impactful than that, and I can't necessary grasp how impactful it is if readers don't mention any of that.
Also? Just read everything from this topic. You don't need to go to Fanfiction if you're already here.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2017, 04:14:45 AM by Tortwag »
Currently writing a Klonoa-themed fanfiction called Crusaders of Pugiland! Discover it here: https://forums.untamedheart.us/?topic=1462.0

Also started an art topic for said fanfiction, which you can find right here: https://forums.untamedheart.us/?topic=1877.msg26101#msg26101

Offline Balneor

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #83 on: August 07, 2017, 05:29:37 AM »
A bit late.

Yea it was stupid of me. Naturally when I think about games in general, I always know when not to compare different games, mostly because they're not the same at all, i'ts obvious to me. But the same line of thinking, instead with books, did not even came close to my mind, probably because I'm not used to read at all.


But anyways, next is Vision 2-2. It still is good, I can't deny I was feeling a bit powerless when Klonoa was utterly destroyed by Daii without explaining how that happened.

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I get what you're saying here, but I feel like there's a problem, maintly at the part "I tried you back".
...Unless "tried" is a synonym of "bring/tow" (Lilyacoo Towing Klonoa back to the ship), for me this group of words doesn't make any sense, in the context. (Site as well)

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Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
The wording is a bit strange with this one... Had some trouble understanding it. I feel like i'ts because "were" was supposed to be "where". The thing is, if you use the latter the sentence becomes clear. (Site as well)

Also that's some pretty interesting designs for the world. "Grippoan Archipelago" "Pugnacel Archipelago" What thing is this making reference to?

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I swear I'm gonna get killed one day for doing theses things
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There misses a space between "a" and "bit" x_x (Site is untouched)
« Last Edit: August 10, 2017, 03:20:20 PM by Balneor »

Offline Balneor

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #84 on: August 10, 2017, 04:23:25 AM »
Loopuludoo for 2-3 :lookinleft:

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ground misses the "d" (Site as well)
« Last Edit: August 10, 2017, 03:20:33 PM by Balneor »

Offline Tortwag

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #85 on: August 10, 2017, 11:41:05 AM »
@Balneor Welcome back! (Site means that you're reading from here, right?)

I wouldn't call that "stupid." You said yourself that literature wasn't your specialty, so you're perfectly excused :) It's just a friendly but realistic reminder of what it means to write this type of fanfiction VS other literary works. And I mean, I usually don't write fanfictions at all, so it's perfectly normal for us to have discussions about certain parts and their meaning.


-Yes, that was the point. You feeling powerless, I mean. Glad to know I succeeded there.

-Nitpicks, more nitpicks to correct. I'll always thank you for the effort, and don't worry, you shouldn't feel like you're going to be hated for making these XD First because we're both French, so I of all people am aware that we've been educated into caring about precision, and second, because you're only being helpful, is all.

Ah, you reacehd Vision 2-3. Looks like there wasn't much mistakes on that one. Good to know. I'll once again invite you to comment on anything you liked and/or disliked, as I hope I'll get to use that for future chapters.
In the meantime, happy reading!
Currently writing a Klonoa-themed fanfiction called Crusaders of Pugiland! Discover it here: https://forums.untamedheart.us/?topic=1462.0

Also started an art topic for said fanfiction, which you can find right here: https://forums.untamedheart.us/?topic=1877.msg26101#msg26101

Offline Balneor

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #86 on: August 13, 2017, 06:27:53 PM »
Breezing through Vision 2-4 :

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The "real" problem here is the additionnal space between "no" and "problem"

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I don't know how to explain my current grip though...if we can call it that.
Like I just want the characters to stop talking and actually do something, and by that I mean actually get Klonoa across Blade's island.
I know this will probably be adressed in 2-5, so this won't be an issue for long. But I actually preferred the first chapters, where it actually was concrete stuff, an adventure was really going (And not just some talks between the characters but I guess that's to be expected since i'ts not the usual Klonoa story you find up in games such as Ls'V and stuff. On top of that those games are quite short, and I believe this fiction will be insanely longer than that, and I frankly don't know how I will enjoy it in the future.

But anyways. I'll keep reading, i'ts not like i'ts bothersome, it actually has really cool moments that manages to make me smile sometimes, mind you.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2017, 06:30:32 PM by Balneor »

Offline Tortwag

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #87 on: August 14, 2017, 03:47:09 PM »
@Balneor A few things about your current complain/critism that might either appease it, or at least, explain it.

-The Klonoa series are usually a bunch of platformers, and even as platformers, there is a lot more talking and story or world building into it as opposed to classic ones like, say, the New Super Mario Bros games. It's what makes the Klonoa series unique, and what makes its characters so colorful and memorable. Not that I can perfectly mimick that style, but it's because I do it here that there's a lot of talking.

-As you guessed yourself, the point of talking is for its mentioned issues to be adressed during the action that usually follows that, just like little bits of info dropped in action scenes are to be adressed during talking ones. It's a balance I don't claim to always master, but it's definitely needed in a story.

-I've had readers telling me before that my style had too much action and not enough talking, so considering that your opinion seems to the demand the other way around, all I can say is that I can't please everyone.

-And then, for having done it myself, I realize that it would actually be a lot more boring if the characters never interacted outside of action and just kept on going mission after mission, since, well, this isn't a game, so it would appear faaaar longer than it actually is. Action alone doesn't allow the same type of character development as verbal jousting/banter does. (It would also be a serious strain on everyone's endurance :embarassed:)

The games are short, yes, but the missions are long, especially in Door to Phantomile. The games would be longer if they were in story format - a good example of that is Klonoa: Dream Traveller of Noctis Sol. There was a lot of things to be explained and adressed in that Klonoa story, a lot more than what the games usually offer, but well, it was cut off before it could continue.


Putting all of that aside, more nitpicks to correct, I'll deal with all of that this weekend. Glad you're liking this, though! Thank you for your opinions, as usual - I'm merely explaining my choices and why they matter, but rest assured, your thoughts are safely stored away for the next chapters to come.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2017, 03:53:00 PM by Tortwag »
Currently writing a Klonoa-themed fanfiction called Crusaders of Pugiland! Discover it here: https://forums.untamedheart.us/?topic=1462.0

Also started an art topic for said fanfiction, which you can find right here: https://forums.untamedheart.us/?topic=1877.msg26101#msg26101

Offline Balneor

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #88 on: August 18, 2017, 04:59:21 PM »
Double-jumping through 2-5 :lookinleft:

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There misses a word between "know" and "can".

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I'd like to point-out an "incohererence" which made me smile.
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Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
There misses a y in "why".

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Don't have much to say otherwise, but I was certaintly more into it than the previous one.
Oh and the fact I got a tiny bit spoiled in the newest Windbullet magazine's fanwriting section, :angry2:


Offline Balneor

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Re: Klonoa: Crusaders of Pugiland
« Reply #89 on: August 22, 2017, 03:43:23 PM »
Inflating through 2-6 :

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It probably should be "than".

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Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
I can't seize the sense of this sentence, it feels like a group of words are missing altogether.

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An overall pretty serious and tense chapter.                     .....Really, that's all I can come up with. I'm kinda forcing myself to read (maintly because I established my series of posts for every chapters), but I always
know I'm in for a good time.